Originally appeared on lunchboxing.com.

I have an idea for another great movie. I can’t decide on a name though. It’s a toss up between Leonard: The Boy Who Paid To Be Cool and Leonard: How A Boy Went From Geek To Chic, Back to Geek. Obviously they both have great rings to them, and I’d love to just use both. But let’s be frank: A movie with two titles would probably confuse most of the general movie-going public, who are used to the one title movie format Hollywood adopted so many years ago. Let’s not forget the Monkey See, Monkey Boo-Hoo/Look At The Crying Monkey, Mama debacle of ’88. Although the movie was critically panned, I still think it was doomed from day one due to the double title. But enough ‘being frank’. Let’s move on to my movie idea.

The movie is set in the small town of Los Angeles, California. I chose Los Angeles (L.A.), because of it’s close proximity to Santa Monica, where there are loads of hot women, an integral part of the movie’s setting. In fact, the opening montage will show shots from all around Santa Monica and Venice. There will be lots of great footage of beautiful chicks rollerskating on the boardwalk. Some of them will even be rollerblading. Other shots will include attractive women building sand castles, drinking beers at a seaside restaurant, trying on sunglasses, and driving on the Pacific Coast Highway in red corvettes with sunglasses. This montage will draw the viewer in because everyone loves to look at hot women in beach settings. It’s a fact. In addition, there will be some red-hot rock and roll playing throughout the credits. I am thinking I will try to get Glenn Frey or Kenny Loggins to do a song that incorporates the title into the music. Here’s a verse I will show them to get them excited about the project:

The other kids think Leonard’s a fool
They call him names and push him into the pool
But all Leonard wants is to rule the school
So what’s he gonna do, he’s gonna pay to be cool!

Pay to be cool, pay to be cool
Leonard wants to be cool, so he’ll pay to be cool x 3

I have a funny feeling that Kenny and Glenn will eat this shit up. Maybe they’d even do a duet! But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I still have a movie to describe here.

After the credits roll and the music fades out (to a resounding chorus of “Pay to be cool”), we cut to a shot of a bedroom. The camera pans around the room to paint a picture of the main star, Leonard. We see trophies, and of course assume they represent athletic accomplishments. But upon further inspection we see that they are for spelling bees and debate competitions. What a nerd! Also in the room we see his glasses and other nerdy things like science and technology stuff. He even has his own personal computer! Can you say ‘El Dorko Supremo’?!?! So anyways, this cuts to a shot of Leonard reaching from beneath his sheets and turning off his alarm clock. We can tell that he has been snoozing for a while because he looks at the clock and says “Jesus Christ, I have been snoozing for a while!”. He then slowly rises and puts on a shirt and looks in the mirror and says, “I am such a nerd. I just want to have sex with some ultra smoking cheerleader hotties for once in my cursed life. Oh well, better get ready and go study…SAT’s are coming up and if I want to get into MIT or Harvard or Yale or Princeton, I better hit the books. Also, I better raise some money since my family is dirt poor and can’t even afford the application fees for these colleges.” After saying all of this he kinda gives a weird half smile and leaves the room.

I’ll skip through the next 45 minutes of the movie because they are pretty boring. They are necessary though because they develop the characters and plot. Here are some bulletpoints of key developments I don’t feel like going into detail on:

-Leonard has a best friend named Darryl who is also a nerd. Maybe he’s albino or extremely skinny? Leonard ends up alienating him later in the movie.
-Brandy is the smoking hot cheerleader chick at City of Angels High where they go to school. She has gigantic breasts, which Leonard always looks at because they are luscious. But he knows that she would never go for a nerd like him. She is also going out with Calvert, who is the star tennis player at COA High, and so of course he is a pompous piece of shit.
-Brandy has a lot of wicked-hot cheerleader friends who are also well endowed.
-Brandy’s well-endowed friends always make fun of Leonard, which makes the audience feel sympathetic for him, but the shots of the girls in these scenes are pretty provacative, so the audience gets pretty turned on too. It’s a weird dual sensation, and maybe a cinematic first. (Oscar anyone?)
-Brandy’s well endowed friends are named Cheryl, Diane, and Lupe. You might assume that they are always wearing their cheerleader outfits because they look so damn hot in them. But no. I will make sure the costume department is constantly switching them into low cut blouses and short shorts, to make the film more dynamic and interesting.
-Cheryl is the bitchy hot one. You hate her and want to have sex with her all at the same time. Diane is a little bit nicer and the most athletic of the three. I think I will have a scene where she is doing aerobics in a tight leotard or something. Lupe is the ‘ethnic’ friend. I haven’t figured out which ethnicity yet, but I think it’s important to incorporate worldliness into all films these days. It’s kind of a responsibility that comes with being a filmmaker. Anyways, Lupe will be wearing a short, shiny dress that accents her thick and beautiful legs in the prom scene.
-I was thinking there could be a scene where they are all on a lake or something and they get pushed in, but somehow their tops come off, but that wouldn’t be until later in the movie.

Well, looks like I’ve gotten a little ahead of myself here! I’ve almost revealed too much. I better get to the point quick, so here’s how the rest of the movie goes: Leonard raises 10,000 dollars for his Science Squad so they can go on a trip to Space Camp in Alabama. But then when he is bringing the money to the bank he runs into Cheryl. He spills a slurpee all over her skimpy crop top and she gets mad. He looks at his box of cash and at her pissed off expression and offers her 10,000 dollars to make him a cool guy. She says yes and takes the cash. The next few days they go shopping and stuff (montage scene), and then he becomes the coolest guy in school. I am thinking there will be a scene where he teaches everyone this really stupid dance. Then at the end people find out he paid her the money, and all his Science Squad buddies are pissed, and everyone hates him. He is down and out. But then he gives a speech in the hallway at school after some jock spits on him. Here it is:

“That’s great man, just great…Spit on me. Real cool, real Fucking cool. Just like I used to be (looks down). Man, that was quite a ride…Popularity was fun while it lasted. But I guess all good things come to an end. Yeah, I payed ten thousand bucks to be cool for a week, and it was worth it. The hot, steamy, passionate sex I had with Cheryl, Diane, and Lupe for example…I suppose you’d have to pay big bucks for that anyways. But the amazing love making sessions in exotic locales such as the Beach House, La Bonita Island, and The House Boat are all irrelevant when you don’t have any friends. Don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t trade the foreplay and whoopie I had over the course of last week for the world. Shit, I’d pay twice as much for just one more day of unbridaled lust like that…Nevermind. The point is, friends aren’t friends unless friends ACT like friends, and I love you all even though you hate me.”

After this, some dude who wasn’t in the movie at all before this point starts doing this slow clap thing, and everyone else follows suit. Everyone starts cheering, even Calvert. They raise Leonard over their heads and parade into the main quad cheering his name. Then they put him down and Lupe and Cheryl and Diane come up to french kiss him, but instead he takes this girl Becky who was his best friend (who I should have mentioned before) and looks really tasty despite being a nerd, and frenches the shit out of her. Meanwhile the other girls end up frenching a couple of the science nerds guys unexpectedly. You should see the looks on their faces!

So there you have it. My movie. I think it will be great for many reasons. Most of all because it’s a story of defeating the odds in the face of adversity. But also because it’s a hilarious high school fantasy romp with lots of lovely Santa Monica ladies that like to have a great time. I think the Hollywood premiere will be lots of fun too, because there will be flocks of gorgeous models and shit there. Maybe I’ll rent a white tux.